I was about twelve years old and I was playing in my room while I was supposed to have been dusting (as was often the case), when suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere, I heard a voice in my head as clear as if someone were talking to me in the room. "You will be a missionary for My sake." I stopped playing immediately and fell to the floor crying. I told God that I would do it. I didn't know what the stakes would be or where I'd go or how it would all come about, but I said I'd do it.
I was always interested in missions. The idea of going to some far off land to help people and be relational appealed to me. But as I got older and perils of ministry overtook our family, I tried to rationalize it away. The more I thought about it, the more I feared it. For many years, I ran from it. I'd seen ministry first-hand as a pastor's daughter and there was nothing glamorous about being in ministry. In fact, it was one of the most unglamorous professions I'd seen. That was all it was to me at that time: a profession. It would be years later when "profession" would turn into "lifestyle."
Christianity confused me. I thought I was a Christian from the time I said the "Jesus prayer" when I was four. I did it on my own and without any urging from my folks. I asked the questions on my own and I said the prayer on my own, by myself, at the bottom of the "tired stairs" in our little house in Harrisonburg, VA. Then when I was thirteen, I joined the church after sitting through the classes. At that time, I believed whatever my parents believed. Their faith was my faith. I wanted their approval, so I did what I needed to get it. But I still didn't understand grace in my heart. I would later find out that I was nothing but legalistic; an un-believer trying to believe, but not grasping it. My attempts left me exhausted, confused and depressed. So I ran. I wanted happiness and I was not finding it in Christianity. I believed in God, but I repressed it and I didn't want anything to do with Him. He was making me miserable, so I tried to find freedom elsewhere. My legalism bound me and my illusions of others left me crippled and hurt.
My "rebellious" road (I use quotations b/c in essence I simply lived a non-Christian life) was relatively short but extremely intense. The more intense the rebellion, the more intense the breaking. The bigger the pride, the bigger the fall. My road to recovery was nothing short of a miracle. Once again, the memory of my call to missions hung before me. Although I was free in Christ at last, fear of certain types of ministry gripped me. I knew I would eventually end up there, but I was still afraid. Slowly, God chipped away one fear after another.
When I met Dan, I liked him right away. After getting to know him, I could see that God was working on his heart and would use him in a big way. We encouraged each other in our walks. Dan was working in finance, and that was a lot better than ministry. Dan's response to my joy was simple. "You never know..." was all he said. After we got married, I found out that Dan had been given the desire for missions at a young age, too. That somewhat surprised me as I hadn't known it before, but apparently, until we met, he had forgotten about it. Then his desire returned full force. I knew before we got married that we would more than likely end up in ministry of some sort. What form, I didn't know. But I knew that though we were both in need of maturing in faith and still had a lot to learn, we were ministry material. Dan's passion for Christ was growing fast and furiously. My fears were subsiding. Dan brought up the subject a few times during our first year of marriage. "Not now," was always my response. Our prayer was that we would know the time by our unity. If the Lord didn't want us to do something, he would give one of us reservation. We continue to pray that He would lead us through our unity.
Earlier this year, Dan brought it up again. This time, I agreed with him. In fact, the more we talked and prayed about it, the more excited we got. We feel very much at home here in Central Bucks County. We established our identity as a married couple at our church, Calvary Chapel. We made some of the closest friends here and have grown spiritually. This is our community and our home. Yet, we feel called to go. This is not where our road ends. We spoke to our pastor and others from the church about it; we have their support and excitement. After conversations and prayers on where to go, we have determined that Israel is the road to pursue. At this time, Dan will join a team from our church to do a missions trip in Israel on Oct 31 - Nov 10. Crazy, you say? Isn't the gospel for the sick and broken-hearted? It would be more culturally acceptable for us to do inner-city missions, but we would be in more danger there than we would be in Israel. If you are concerned about safety, read Ps 91.
We covet your prayers during this time as Dan prepares to go. Pray that God would prepare the hearts of those that are going and those with whom they will be sharing the gospel. Pray also for safety. Pray that God would give Dan discernment as he determines whether or not to bring me back with him to further pursue Israel as our location. Pray for clear leading of the Spirit.
